“Come on Kieran” screamed Veteran Phillips, it rattled the bones of Kieran’s fragile body. “I’m coming” replied Kieran, but really he wasn’t he was looking Bethany “oh where are you Beth” thought he thought desperately his eyes whizzed round. Meteors were smashing around them, there was a colourful aura about them but they were ruthless, The smallest ones were the same size as Jupiter(or just slightly and I mean slightly bigger than Jupiter). Kieran found Beth, there she was trapped in between thick barbed wires “oh damn, how am I going to get her out of THAT” thought Kieran. “Oh why won’t you come loose you stupid shoe” Bethany moaned at her shoe. “If only I had looked where I was going” “Kieran what in Keandra’s are you doing!” but Kieran didn’t reply, what he was doing was charging at Bethany at full pelt “Now all that hard work Mr. King did(his athletic teacher) wasn’t a waste after all. “Oh please,please don’t tell me he’s doing what I think he’s doing” thought Bethany desperately. What she was thinking was Kieran running at her preparing to tackle her. “Well, might as well get ready, hope your ready stomach.” Kieran was edging ever so slightly closer but the meteor shower must’ve noticed because it was getting heavier noticing the saviour which was Kieran. “Come on Kieran, this could be your chance to show Beth how strong you are” and then BAM!! Kieran hit her right in the stomach, a textbook tackle which would be approved by his coach “If he was still with me” thought Kieran “You good?” questioned Kieran anxiously “YEAH couldn’t be better Kieran” said the rather unhappy Bethany but really she thought it was rather brave of Kieran to go saving her like that. “But thanks Kieran- “IF YOU LOVE BIRDS WANT TO HURRY UP AND GET ON THIS SHIP!!!” barked the veteran. They both ran like little kids in a sweet shop they both hurdled over blazing meteors in a perfect hurdle form and joined up with Veteran Phillips on their space shuttle. There was a huge blast as ships all around the three were being blown up and being etched into a everlasting memory for them. “Greetings survivors we will now shortly be arriving on Alcatross. “Veteran Phillips, what is Alcatross?” “Ah Alcatross the largest spaceship ever invented by humanity it’s said to hold the whole of the planet.” Kieran wasn’t paying attention to that he was too busy peering out of window, Keiran had always wondered what space was like and now he could see the stars everything he ever wanted to see was propped there right in front of him. He was drifting like a lonely cloud just like his home town Birmingham which as he thought was being torn to bits by the grappling fists of the meteors. “You really are a soft aren’t you Kieran” said Bethany resting a sympathetic hand on his shoulder he didn’t realize at first but when he felt a hot wet substance rolling down the side of his cheek he had noticed he was crying, Kieran didn’t cry a lot especially around Bethany. “Alright you two let’s get on the boarding ship.”
The ship was of a massive scale its bodywork with steel panels stretching across miles of space “Man I wish I could live here” said Kieran Bethany nodded in agreement “Me too.” “CAN THE NEW ARRIVALS PLEASE GO TO SECTOR B1 FOR EXAMINATION” said the mono toned lady again. “If there is anything I will forget about this place it’s definitely THAT” Bethany giggled quietly Kieran blushed slightly he had never made Bethany laugh “I’ll definitely cherish that” Kieran thought. Kieran and Bethany were being taken to sector B1 where Kieran eyes were surveying the field looking to see if anyone from his school were here. “Right then boys and girls welcome to our training facility” answered a man who was 6 ft strong and handsome “All the features i wish I had” thought Kieran “this is where you’ll train to fight aliens, it will also be your accommodation and telling by your faces your teachers obviously didn’t tell you what accommodation meant. Well let be put it as this: its your bedroom, bathroom every thing you would find in a house is in here” the quizzical faces faded away as they headed what the man was saying. “Well, might as well tell you lot how things will be done around here: first things first bed is 10:15pm sharp, secondly you will hear an alarm at 7:30am this is time for you to wake up. You will then have breakfast at 7:45 then at 8:30 you will begin training this will go until 1:00 where you’ll have lunch then another training session all the way until 5 where dinner will be served.”
Days past very slowly well at least it felt like it until sirens were whining around “LET’S GO BOYS AND GIRLS ALIENS ARE ON THERE WAY” barked the master. “Hey Kieran what do you think about these aliens, do ya think we can bring those call of duty skills to life” yelled Kieran’s good friend Jacob “Hell, yeah we can” shouted back Kieran who was putting on his specially made space suit. The battle had begun, blasts were heard all around Kieran and out of the mist came an alien. It was a peculiar creature with an oddly shaped head with a blue slimy body. It gave up its puzzled gaze and charged at Kieran “Dang it” thought Kieran he had no time but to fire BANG!!! HE HAD KILLED HIS FIRST ALIEN “woohoo” yelled Kieran joyfully but that feeling had drowned so quickly has he was witnessing Bethany being devoured by one of the aliens. “Oh no you don’t you insubordinate piece of garbage” yelled Kieran just how Veteran Phillips would’ve done it, he charged and smacked it right in the face, recoiling the monster was preparing for another attack but Beth shot it. “Nice one” called Bethany impressed by Kieran’s skills “Let’s move forward” said Kieran. “hello? Can you hear me?” “Yes… I… Can…” “Good Kieran” said a familiar voice “Veteran Phillips!” exclaimed Kieran. “Good to see your doing well now, on to the real reason i called you, The aliens have taken over SECTOR E7 i need you two to clear the area and rescue as many people as you can” there was a sense of panic in his voice “Veteran Phillips what’s up?” “I’ve been cornered by the aliens, so I’ll let you know this, the aliens are a one shot if you get them in the head, melee will also do a lot of damage. But most importantly don’t ever… AAHHHHH!!!!” the radio cut out. the death-like aura around the radio surrounded Kieran and Bethany… “great, now where do we go from here?” questioned Bethany who was still in a disgruntled about Kieran’s sudden change of emotion. “Lets just see if there’s anything useful in this area” replied Kieran “What area is this anyway”
“SECTOR E3” answered a strange but familiar voice in the darkness.
“who’s here, show yourself!” shouted Kieran into the hollow darkness.
the figure stepped out.
“YO, Kieran”
It was Jacob but he looked battered “what sort of battle did you get into bro” asked Kieran. “let’s just say that I think he should definitely not split up” answered Jacob
“hey not to try and break this little bonding thing you two are having I think we should get moving, I see sector E7 just over to our right.
“k lets get moving” stated Kieran who sounded a bit like Veteran Phillips who Kieran forgot was dead and was about to find that out
January 3, 2016 at 6:26 pm
Excellent effort here Isaiah, I really like your use of figurative language and the creation of a convincing sci-fi setting.
In order to get your Genre Writing badge we need to make a few improvements but we are certainly getting there. Follow these targets in order to get the badge.
1) Use more paragraphs in order to give your story more structure and to develop tension at key points (use a single line paragraph to describe a key moment, e.g the rescue).
2) Cut down on the use of dialogue between characters and only use it when absolutely necessary.
3) Develop your opening with the same level of description as you did with the middle section. I want to see what the meteors actually look like!
Well done and keep up the good work.
January 13, 2016 at 2:21 pm
Your story is really good and interesting. I really liked it. In terms of improvement perhaps at the beginning you could tell us more about what was happening and how beth was stuck. Other than that your story is sick.